FeelBetterNetwork.com Member Community

Feb 20, 2010 12:18pm

CloeChan 2 post(s)

Hi actually I do not know how to start this, please forgive me if my writing is bad. I think I am just a ordinary girl. 26 years old this year. Most of the people in my age already have their careers, have a proper life and have control of their life. But I am still a student, I have never earn a proper sum of income, except for some part time jobs. I used to be ambitious and optimistic. Now I really envy younger people who are doing better than me. Sometimes I will tell myself not my fault to delay my study, for some reason is due to my family have been moving around. I come from a non-English educated country and English was a barrier for me everywhere. I really hate myself not to have better communication skill like other people, I cannot talk properly. I am not bad looking but I always lack of confident in myself because I can not talk well. And I know how much I want to excel in communication yet I didn’t put in enough effort to make it work. I am lazy, not persistent, not patient, I think I am really a useless people. But on the outside, I always tried to show people that I am a bubbly happy go lucky girl. Some people will think I am lucky, I am cute. But most of the time I am not happy. I know I am going to finish my study soon, but I am already late by so many years, how can I make up for it? I want my parents to be proud of me, but I already let them down. And the worst is, I chose a major that I am not interested in at all and now I am forcing myself to choose a career path that extend from my major. But unlike others, I feel that I have no time to start all over again. I do not dare to ask people “Am I a failure?” because I know the answer myself, so i tried my best to act like I am not a failure. I lie to everybody I love my major, I look forward to it. I have difficulty concentrate on something, my mind always go away easily. Then I will start to hate myself for be a failure. I think my mood is getting worse and almost not able to calm myself down by my own will any more.

Feb 20, 2010 5:41pm

mejconnect

Expert/Professional 11 post(s)

CloeChan,
I’m really glad you posted on the website. And I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Finding yourself and your own unique direction in life can be very confusing and troubling—as you have indicated.

I want to say to you that you are NOT useless—you are NOT a failure! Finding yourself in a tough position and struggling to figure out who you are and what you want in life is a normal part of life. It’s a process that takes a longer or shorter time for all people—a process, by the way, that never ends—at 57 I’m still growing and figuring out more things about myself. So I would encourage you to try to be a little more gentle with yourself. Every life—yours included—is a precious gift. And the purpose and direction that your life will take will become clear as you contunie down the road. Your age, 26, is not too old for that development and clarity in life to become known. I would also encourage you to take a little inventory of all the ways you are successful right now. What are the good and positive things that are happening right now in your life? What’s working for you right now? As you do this it becomes a little clearer that there is hope for you. And I would also suggest that you do more of what works—whether that has to do with relationships or your studies or any other part of life.

Do you have a friend you can trust to talk about these things with?—that is always a good thing.

And dn’t be afraid of making changes in your life (after it becomes clear that a change is needed). It’s never too late to find a new and interesting path to walk down. Please stay in touch and respond as you will. I will be happy to chat with you if you desire. Again, be gentle with yourself—all is NOT lost! Mike Jenkins

Feb 21, 2010 2:26pm

CloeChan 2 post(s)

Thank you Mike, you know your post do really mean something to me, my nose turn sour while I was reading it. My mood varies, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Like now, I am feeling much better. And when my mood is good I don’t feel about useless. Somehow I know what lead to the outcome today is my own fault. I hate myself because I could not help myself even though I know exactly what my problems are, lazy, not persistent, not patient, not brave etc… I did try to change but I always stop half way. As I said I am not persistent. Though you are right I should focus on positive things that works for me, like a good boyfriends, some good friends, but I am just so greedy that all these seems not what I want or there are more I want. If I can choose, i don’t want to bound to a relationship, I want to enjoy single-hood, be a independent woman. But for some reason, by family or financially, I got to depend on my boyfriend, though I love him. It comes back to myself again, I wasted my time, otherwise I am suppose to be a independent woman by now. I know there are many anger and regret inside me for wasting my time, my life and I am not able to do what I dream to do. I really don’t know what is positive or negative, and what really works for me.

Feb 21, 2010 3:04pm

mejconnect

Expert/Professional 11 post(s)

CloeChan,

Sounds like you have a good grasp on what you want to do and need to do to improve your situation. My only suggestion is that you not be too hrad on yourself: “lazy, not persistant, not patient, not brave.” These are really strong judgments and condemnations about yourself that help keep you paralyzed and unable to shift your energy to developing the more desirable aspects of your life. If you always tell yourself you’re lazy and a failure, sometimes you unconciously live up (or down) to those judgments. Cut yourself some slack—give yourself a break! What would you say to someone else who was feeling that way about themselves; who was very condemning about themselves? And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent woman. In fact it is to be admired! Significant relationships can be good and supportive, but sometimes people just need to be alone and hear the sound of theor own voice. Mike Jenkins

Mar 1, 2010 8:20pm

DrKathyNickerson Expert

Expert/Professional 774 post(s)

Hi Cloe. Thanks for letting us know what’s going on. I was wondering, can you tell me more about this…“I know there are many anger and regret inside me for wasting my time, my life and I am not able to do what I dream to do.” I think we could talk more about it.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Mar 8, 2010 7:12am

AnA 9 post(s)

Hello everyone!
The CloeChan’s story is very close to mine.
I’m 34, have a family, kid, came from other country, had quite good career back home and have to start over again. As you I experience the same feelings, sometimes I blame myself for the same weaknesses, such as being inconfident, lazy, impatient…
So you are not alone and I think I know what are you talking about. And by the way your English is much better than mine :)

Mar 8, 2010 11:53pm

DrKathyNickerson Expert

Expert/Professional 774 post(s)

Hi AnA. Thanks for your post. Welcome to FBN. When you read Cloe’s story, what parts jump out at you as being similar? We look forward to getting to know you.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Mar 12, 2010 6:14am

AnA 9 post(s)

Thanks Kathy, I really like your website.Thanks for your interest.
First thing that looks very familiar in CloeChan’s story would be the language barrier. It is very annoying to be enable to fully communicate and interact with people. I feel like I can’t express my thoughts and personality through my language. Secondly, constant feeling that I’m at least 10 years late, and that I face the same challenges as a freshly colledge-graduated student. But I’m 34. And finally, I feel like I’m not active enough to successfully overcome all said troubles and finally move forward.

Mar 17, 2010 9:41pm

LifeCoachNova Expert

Expert/Professional 774 post(s)

Hi AnA. I’d like to hear more from you. Is there something, an activity or expression that helps you express your personality? What do you wish more people would notice about you?

We all grow at a different pace. What challenge most interferes with your ability to feel like you are in a good place right now? What do you need to leave in the past to be able to move forward?

I look forward to hearing back. Thanks for being with us!

Warmly,

Nova

Mar 22, 2010 6:02am

AnA 9 post(s)

Thanks Nova! Having to be a homemaker is a drastic change after quite a good career back home. Of course I miss professional recognition. Only thing that comforts me is my family. And I’m glad I’m here with them where they need me.

Feb 20, 2010 12:18pm CloeChan 2 post(s)	Hi actually I do not know how to start this, please forgive me if my writing is bad. I think I am just a ordinary girl. 26 years old this year. Most of the people in my age already have their careers, have a proper life and have control of their life. But I am still a student, I have never earn a proper sum of income, except for some part time jobs. I used to be ambitious and optimistic. Now I really envy younger people who are doing better than me. Sometimes I will tell myself not my fault to delay my study, for some reason is due to my family have been moving around. I come from a non-English educated country and English was a barrier for me everywhere. I really hate myself not to have better communication skill like other people, I cannot talk properly. I am not bad looking but I always lack of confident in myself because I can not talk well. And I know how much I want to excel in communication yet I didn’t put in enough effort to make it work. I am lazy, not persistent, not patient, I think I am really a useless people. But on the outside, I always tried to show people that I am a bubbly happy go lucky girl. Some people will think I am lucky, I am cute. But most of the time I am not happy. I know I am going to finish my study soon, but I am already late by so many years, how can I make up for it? I want my parents to be proud of me, but I already let them down. And the worst is, I chose a major that I am not interested in at all and now I am forcing myself to choose a career path that extend from my major. But unlike others, I feel that I have no time to start all over again. I do not dare to ask people “Am I a failure?” because I know the answer myself, so i tried my best to act like I am not a failure. I lie to everybody I love my major, I look forward to it. I have difficulty concentrate on something, my mind always go away easily. Then I will start to hate myself for be a failure. I think my mood is getting worse and almost not able to calm myself down by my own will any more.

Feb 20, 2010 5:41pm mejconnect Expert/Professional 11 post(s)	CloeChan, I’m really glad you posted on the website. And I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Finding yourself and your own unique direction in life can be very confusing and troubling—as you have indicated. I want to say to you that you are NOT useless—you are NOT a failure! Finding yourself in a tough position and struggling to figure out who you are and what you want in life is a normal part of life. It’s a process that takes a longer or shorter time for all people—a process, by the way, that never ends—at 57 I’m still growing and figuring out more things about myself. So I would encourage you to try to be a little more gentle with yourself. Every life—yours included—is a precious gift. And the purpose and direction that your life will take will become clear as you contunie down the road. Your age, 26, is not too old for that development and clarity in life to become known. I would also encourage you to take a little inventory of all the ways you are successful right now. What are the good and positive things that are happening right now in your life? What’s working for you right now? As you do this it becomes a little clearer that there is hope for you. And I would also suggest that you do more of what works—whether that has to do with relationships or your studies or any other part of life. Do you have a friend you can trust to talk about these things with?—that is always a good thing. And dn’t be afraid of making changes in your life (after it becomes clear that a change is needed). It’s never too late to find a new and interesting path to walk down. Please stay in touch and respond as you will. I will be happy to chat with you if you desire. Again, be gentle with yourself—all is NOT lost! Mike Jenkins

Feb 21, 2010 2:26pm CloeChan 2 post(s)	Thank you Mike, you know your post do really mean something to me, my nose turn sour while I was reading it. My mood varies, sometimes good, sometimes bad. Like now, I am feeling much better. And when my mood is good I don’t feel about useless. Somehow I know what lead to the outcome today is my own fault. I hate myself because I could not help myself even though I know exactly what my problems are, lazy, not persistent, not patient, not brave etc… I did try to change but I always stop half way. As I said I am not persistent. Though you are right I should focus on positive things that works for me, like a good boyfriends, some good friends, but I am just so greedy that all these seems not what I want or there are more I want. If I can choose, i don’t want to bound to a relationship, I want to enjoy single-hood, be a independent woman. But for some reason, by family or financially, I got to depend on my boyfriend, though I love him. It comes back to myself again, I wasted my time, otherwise I am suppose to be a independent woman by now. I know there are many anger and regret inside me for wasting my time, my life and I am not able to do what I dream to do. I really don’t know what is positive or negative, and what really works for me.

Feb 21, 2010 3:04pm mejconnect Expert/Professional 11 post(s)	CloeChan, Sounds like you have a good grasp on what you want to do and need to do to improve your situation. My only suggestion is that you not be too hrad on yourself: “lazy, not persistant, not patient, not brave.” These are really strong judgments and condemnations about yourself that help keep you paralyzed and unable to shift your energy to developing the more desirable aspects of your life. If you always tell yourself you’re lazy and a failure, sometimes you unconciously live up (or down) to those judgments. Cut yourself some slack—give yourself a break! What would you say to someone else who was feeling that way about themselves; who was very condemning about themselves? And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be an independent woman. In fact it is to be admired! Significant relationships can be good and supportive, but sometimes people just need to be alone and hear the sound of theor own voice. Mike Jenkins

Mar 1, 2010 8:20pm DrKathyNickerson Expert Expert/Professional 774 post(s)	Hi Cloe. Thanks for letting us know what’s going on. I was wondering, can you tell me more about this…“I know there are many anger and regret inside me for wasting my time, my life and I am not able to do what I dream to do.” I think we could talk more about it. Warmly, Dr. Kathy

Mar 8, 2010 7:12am AnA 9 post(s)	Hello everyone! The CloeChan’s story is very close to mine. I’m 34, have a family, kid, came from other country, had quite good career back home and have to start over again. As you I experience the same feelings, sometimes I blame myself for the same weaknesses, such as being inconfident, lazy, impatient… So you are not alone and I think I know what are you talking about. And by the way your English is much better than mine :)

Mar 8, 2010 11:53pm DrKathyNickerson Expert Expert/Professional 774 post(s)	Hi AnA. Thanks for your post. Welcome to FBN. When you read Cloe’s story, what parts jump out at you as being similar? We look forward to getting to know you. Warmly, Dr. Kathy

Mar 12, 2010 6:14am AnA 9 post(s)	Thanks Kathy, I really like your website.Thanks for your interest. First thing that looks very familiar in CloeChan’s story would be the language barrier. It is very annoying to be enable to fully communicate and interact with people. I feel like I can’t express my thoughts and personality through my language. Secondly, constant feeling that I’m at least 10 years late, and that I face the same challenges as a freshly colledge-graduated student. But I’m 34. And finally, I feel like I’m not active enough to successfully overcome all said troubles and finally move forward.

Mar 17, 2010 9:41pm LifeCoachNova Expert Expert/Professional 774 post(s)	Hi AnA. I’d like to hear more from you. Is there something, an activity or expression that helps you express your personality? What do you wish more people would notice about you? We all grow at a different pace. What challenge most interferes with your ability to feel like you are in a good place right now? What do you need to leave in the past to be able to move forward? I look forward to hearing back. Thanks for being with us! Warmly, Nova

Mar 22, 2010 6:02am AnA 9 post(s)	Thanks Nova! Having to be a homemaker is a drastic change after quite a good career back home. Of course I miss professional recognition. Only thing that comforts me is my family. And I’m glad I’m here with them where they need me.

Am I a useless person?