Husband too controlling

I don’t know what to do or how to go about handling this problem. First, these are some of the the personality traits my husband has: overbearing, controlling, perfectionist, overly talkative, know it all – thinks he knows everything about everything, very outgoing (to a fault sometimes), always right and you will never win an arguement with him. He has always had these traits and I’ve always seen him as a type A personality but it seems to get worse and worst as the years go on. We have 3 kids – ages 15, 12, and 7. I can tell you at least the older two have emotional effects of his demanding needs. I stay home with the kids and do not work outside the home but believe me – I’m very busy with all the household chores, errands, and kid’s school and other activities. But because he makes all the money for the household he feels we all should do exactly what he tells us – to the “T”. He will scream and yell and continually say “why” didn’t you do this over and over when thing in the household don’t go like he thinks they should. There are so many examples I don’t even know which one to choose. This is a daily occurance for the most part. Since he makes “all the money” are we entitled to do exactly what he wants us to? He usually never asks – it’s a demand. He is also picky picky picky. He will make comments on everything I do and ask why don’t I do it “his” way. He is an expert on everything from cooking, cleaning, taking out trash (yes, I don’t do that right either), stuff I buy, what the kids eat, activities we do. An example would be he will come home and ask “how many glasses of milk have the kids drank today?” (he has an obcession with drinking milk – and the kids don’t really like it!) The answer is of course not good enough – he will start in – why haven’t you made them drink more and go on and on and a fight will usually break out – just over a glass of milk? I know this sounds minor but he gets mad over every little thing and it all adds up. We got in a hugh argument last night over a small issue. Our older two boys do tennis four nights a week – he got upset over the fact that they are not getting out on their own more and playing tennis and calling friends to play etc….I tried to explain our schedule but he won’t listen to what I have to say. He feels like if he pays for lessons for 4 nts a week they need to take iniative to go out on their own also. We hardly have any extra time. Maybe I’m wrong…..then that led into why I don’t take them swimming more…..I tried again to explain our daily schedule, but to no avail – he is always right and I’m always wrong. Plus we have had the rainest summer ever (how are you going to go swimming?) He just thinks we need to spend the day doing exactly as he says or he gets all out of sorts. I have thought for years he was jealous that we all stayed home in the summer while he went to work. He doesn’t allow me to sleep in – he will call me lazy butt, make all kind of noise to wake me up – all because he doesn’t want me to sleep in and he not get to. There are soooo many more issues – I could write a book. You cannot tell him he does anything wrong so therefore he doesn’t think he needs to seek professional help. We all probably need professional help but cannot afford it. We actually have behavioral issues with both the boys and I’m starting to think it’s because of their father’s demanding nature. He is very hard on them and then feels bad and lets up. If they even leave any dirty clothes on the floor or a light on – they get yelled at and threatened but the threats never go through. He is famous for making idle threats to the kids. He just likes to point out constantly what they are doing wrong. So, where do I go from here and how can I handle situations rationally? I get very angry when he starts accusing me of not getting his “list” done. I can’t help but get defensive. Please give me suggestions….

Hi aca10. Oh gosh! You paint the picture of a very controlling person. I imagine it is very difficult to live with such constant criticism.

I’d like to help you develop a plan to communicate with your husband.

First, we need to label your feelings … Answer back with just one “feeling” word. "I feel …. "

When your husband tells you that you are lazy, how do you feel?

When you are told what to do during the day, how do you feel?

When you children are yelled at, how do you feel?

When it’s pointed out that your husband makes all the money, how do you feel?

If you could identify three needs you need from your husband, what would they be? Try to leave out the word “you” and just say “I need …”

I need ….

It caught my attention that you mentioned you felt your husband was jealous you all stayed home during the summer. What are his work hours? Does he enjoy his job? Is it possible he feels like he is missing out on parenting the children and enjoying them while he is at work?

I’ll wait to hear to back, and then offer my suggestions!

Warmly,

Nova

Ok. As far as how I feel when he says these things: angry (for being treated like a child instead of an adult), I feel caged – like I can’t be my own person, and I feel sorry – for my kids because I know how it feels to be criticized all the time. When he says he makes all the money – I feel helpless – like he has got me! (I have no money or no place to go and he knows it and even has said if he “kicks” me out – He has all the money and the kids need a nice home and they will NEVER this house so he gets the kids) So I fell helpless.

What I need from him is: to be treated like an equal adult. I need him to listen to what I have to say and realize my thoughts and ideas are as important as his. I need him to realize not everyone in this world is as perfect as he is and that all things around him are not perfect – all people are different and think in different ways (he has trouble with thinking we are ALL suppose to think like him). I need him to listen to our children;s wants and needs and again realize they are not just like him (he will constantly give examples of how “he grew up”, and how “did and does things” and the kids get really frustrated with this. He has trouble realizing that they are just different.

As far as his job – he has been there 12 years and I know he is getting burned out and would probably like a new one but it’s hard to give up flexible work hours, not too much overtime, and good pay. Also, lately there have been some BIG changes which have completely stressed him out – no bonus this year and restructuring of company has added many new employees to his office and his office situation has changed. I am completely understanding of his stresses and try to help as much as I can. But he does come home stressed out and then feels like the kids are very demanding. He spends way more time with the kids doing all kinds of activities than most dads. Sometimes I think he need a break from that – but wants to be a good dad to them but hasn’t yet realized that the criticizing is what is pushing him away not the time spent.

Hope all this makes sense. Thank you very much.

HI, aca10,

You sound like you have been very patient and are getting tired of being the brunt of some insensitive behavior.

Quite often people become controlling at home when they feel they do not have control in their workplace. Sounds like the work pressures are getting to him.

Firstly, you provide just as valuable a resource to your family as your husband does. Money is not the only currency in raising a family. So don’t diminsh your worth.

I suggest you begin pushing back in small, non-threatening ways. If your husband doesn’t like the way something is done, tell him he is welcome to do it. If he thinks the kitchen floor needs washing, tell him he’s welcome to do it any time he wants. If he doesn’t like the sandwich you made him, show him the bread and peanut butter.

The idea is to start drawing some boudaries about what you have control over and what he has control over. Just because you do not earn money, does not mean you have no power or rights. You just have to start taking that power back.

I know this sounds simpler than it actually is. But this is the direction you need to go.

Also, start talking to him about the stresses in his life. Ask how you could be helpful to him. Maybe a walk after dinner where he could share some of his anger, fears, etc. would help him to let go of some of the anger and resentment that he may be feeling. Let him know that he doesn’t need to concern himself about the houehold issues because that’s your role in the family.

Most bullies, and that’s what he sounds like he’s become, are coming from a place of anger and resentment. See if you can help him let go of some of that. Perhaps he needs permission to acknowledge it.

Let us know what your thoughts are on this.

Coach Edie

I do know the work pressures are getting to him and he definately doesn’t have much control at work so that’s alot of why he acts the way he does at home and alot of time I just give him that benefit of the doubt. As far as listening to him, etc…. that’s all I do when he gets home. He is an EXTREME talker. He doesn’t ever hold ANYTHING back. If something bothers him, etc… he will let everyone know. That’s actually part of his problem. If anything at work or at home is bothering him or is not to his satisfaction – we all know it! He will talk about problems at work and our finances (his two major worries) endlessly – he goes over and over them and repeats himself numerous times for days, weeks, months…..I think he lets everything get to him way too much and never lightens up – me and the kids try telling him but he doesn’t listen. That’s one thing he is not good at – listening. He does all the talking! It really just part of his personality but he talks so much that he tells everyone he meets his life story and every little thing our 3 kids do – IN DETAIL. The kids are so frustrated by this but we are unable to tell him to stop – he doesn’t understand and thinks we are trying to tell him what to do. He really doesn’t care what we think or anybody else for that matter – he will say anything to anyone without a problem. So, what do I do about this.? Each and every time I try to point out something to him – he gets VERY defensive. If I ask him not to tell everything about the kids to everyone – they don’t like it – he will tell me to mind my own business, etc.. and then will proceed to tell me every shortcoming of mine and turns around the conversation to make me feel bad. So, it is impossible to tell him he does anything wrong.
When he tells me I need to do something – you advised me to tell him in a polite way to maybe do it himself if I can’t do it to his satisfaction. I have told him many times before if he didn’t like the way I did something to just go ahead and do it the right way. That always back fires!!! The comment is usually – I work 10 hours a day and you stay home – I don’t want to come home and do your job too. (he does have a point – but he needs to learn not to be so picky – and I have told him that also) Again, I don’t think he “listens” at all – he just likes to mouth words over and over. I actually have so many stories – I could write a full novel…….I just need a little direction……I personally think that for some reason he has to act like he is the king of everything, has to be the center of attention (especially in social situations), he does no wrong, he always knows the right way to do something, likes to brag endlessly about our kids, if you tell him he does something incorrectly or point out something about him – he will revolt by telling us a million things wrong with us (me & the kids), he is very demanding and bossy and we just don’t know what to do about it. The kids feel the same way. I want to tell one story that happened this weekend to give an example……..we were talking about my son and how he always wants to quit a sport/activity after an amout of time just when he’s getting good. He hops from sport to sport, activity to activity, etc… and we were trying to figure out what to do. (usually my husband encourages some of this…..not all but he will prode him to do something, etc….and then change his mind) so I just made a comment that he and my son need to stop being so wishy washy and try sticking to something. I guess I should have put it differently (can’t go back) but he jumped down my throat for that and start saying he wasn’t wishy washy – giving “job” examples, other examples in his life but I told him I was only talking about making a decision about sticking with a sport/activity for our son – I wasn’t talking about his whole life – but for whatever reason he took it as his whole life’s activities. Then he told me (as he has said this many times before) that I didn’t do sports growing up – I don’t know anything about sports or what it takes to do sports, etc.. I need to just butt out and shouldn’t make comments or suggestions at all. I know nothing at all!!! And he said this more than once – he repeats everything several times always. I try to explain I wasn’t try to tell someone “how” to play a game I’m only making some suggestions about the direction our son should go. I don’t have the “qualification” to say anything. All he wants me to be there for is to “agree” with him – no suggestions or comments necessary. PLEASE help if you can???

Hi Aca10, nice to see back. I can hear the frustration in your post. It sounds like you don’t feel worthy in your marriage, a less-than equal partner, and you are tired of being criticized and put down. Does that sound right?

I’m curious, what attracted you to your husband initially?

Do you have any emotional or physical intimate moments where you feel loved?

What needs do you have that are not being met in your relationship?

If you could work outside the home, in your biggest dreams, what would you do?

What is the last accomplishment you felt proud of?

I’ll wait to hear back, and then I have some suggestions on how to talk with your husband that may help.

Warmly,

Nova

In answer to your questions…….there are moments when he is fine and loving. He will be really giving, nice, fun, and we all have a good time. But then when things don’t live up to his high expectations he gets demanding and mad. It’s like he has two personalities. (My oldest son once asked me why dad does this?) We do have intimate moments but I’m so stressed and tired over the day’s activities – kid’s activities, housework, meals, laundry, rude comments, kid mishaviors, etc…. at the end of the day – I’m completely worn out and worn down.
The main thing that is not being met in our relationship is just the fact that I feel I am not treated as an equal adult. He actually treats me like a child sometimes. I want to feel like I am a grown adult that makes my own decisions without any comments about everything I do. Even if I do something as simple as spill something – I am made to feel like a child. He can’t just let anything go. This is hard to explain……he will make a comment about EVERYTHING me and the kids do and his way is always the BEST way. From the smallest to the largest we are always being criticized. I also would like him to actually listen to me. If I want to talk about something that interests me he will blow me off and make a rude comment just because HE is not interested in what I have to say. Remember I had said in earlier posts – he is an EXTREME TALKER but a horrible listener. I don’t know how to deal with a person who all they want to do is talk, talk, talk and say thinks over and over and over. How do you stop this behavior? If I make a suggestion about his behavior – he goes ballistic and I end up being the one who gets degraded for something. He doesn’t accept blame or criticism very well at all!
As far as having a job outside the home – I actually would er not have job outside the home. My ideal would be to work from home on a part time basis. I really enjoy the computer and I’m good at it but it’s hard to find that type of job without any real qualifications. 12 years ago I worked for a company doing some reports, developing reports, and help desk type work and I was really good at it but that was so long ago – I have stayed home ever since. I have a degree in Education – but I don’t really want to be in a classroom again.
The last accomplishment that I felt proud of I guess is learning to play tennis. My whole family plays so I decided to learn with my husbands encouragement. Now that I’m into the tennis – I feel that encouragement backed off a little from him. He sometimes makes comments that I spend too much time playing tennis and not getting things done around the house. Honestly I only spend no more than 2 mornings a weeks – a couple of hours each time playing and it’s my exercise which I need also. He kept bugging me about going out and exercising and I finally found a type of exercise I enjoy and he has trouble accepting that fact that I enjoy doing it. I sometimes think he wants me to exercise but do something I dislike so I will be miserable. I think he is jealous that I actually go out and have “fun” a couple times a week while he is working at the office. He made a comment the other day that the reason nothing got done at home that day was because I was out playing tennis all morning while he was a work making all the money. I reminded him that he was the one who suggested I try tennis and get out and get some exercise and I also reminded him he plays in 2 tennis leagues a week in the evenings while I cook and take the kids to all their activities. He just doesn’t understand. It’s all about him. Anyway, hopefully you can give me some suggestions on how to deal with his type of behavior and personality.
Thanks!!

Hi, Aca10. You sound like a very tolerant woman but i can hear that you are getting near the end of your rope.

I seriously think that there is little you can do to change his behavior. Until he thinks he has a problem, he will just continue as he has. So, I think for now you need to focus on what is going to make your life and that of your children more pleasant.

I was pleased to hear that you are out playing tennis. I recommend you continue that and enjoy every minute of it. If there are some activities you can do with the children that you would all enjoy, try to do them, as well.

I’m sure you know what a reasonable level of housework, etc. is . So, if you feel that the household chores are being addressed appropriately, I encourage you to find activities to fill your time that bring you pleasure. Just some thoughts…
- take a computer class at the community college
- find a women’s book group
- join a walking club.

If your husband complains, tell him you have put in your 12 hours a day focused on the family and are taking a couple of hours for yourself.

Remember, you are not an indentured servant!

You need to diffuse his complaints and not give them power – you define how clean the house will be and when the laundry gets folded. That’s your job. You don’t tell him how to do his job, he shouldn’t tell you how to do yours.

Now, we both know that this is not going to make things smoother with him, but hopefully it will give you the energy to deal with his moods. Only when he sees that his behavior is not getting him the desired results, will he even consider changing. As long as you jump every time he tells you to jump, he wil keep asking you to jump higher because it seems like this is the only power in his life.

I want to see you take your power back and put some fullfillment back in your life. Similarly, work with the kids to give them some confidence to not take his comments so seriously. The more you isolate him and his ranting, the less power it will have.

At some point you will need to tell him you would like him to get some help for his problem (and clearly he needs it). But until he is ready to hear it, you need to make life tolerable for yourself.

Think about some of these ideas.

Coach Edie